Vegemite: A threat to security?

I've heard Vegemite called a lot of things in my life: 'shoe polish', 'shit', 'foul', 'rank', 'disgusting', 'puke-inducing'. But 'a threat to national security' has to top them all. It's 5.45am. I'm on an Emirates flight bound for London (via Dubai). I've had a total of 4.5 hours sleep over the last two days, so I'm cranky, ashen-faced (I make Grandma Death from Donnie Darko look like a spring chicken), I'm sleep-deprived and I'm mad.

Let me explain. After several hours of mad packing, I get to the airport just before 4am. I've checked my luggage through and ready to jump aboard the plane so I can safely pass out with my less-than-attractive eye mask. I'm going through security check - with my transparent bag of 'liquids, aerosols, gels' of less than 100ml to show security - which was recently put into place for safety regulations. I get called back because I'm apparently breaching security?

Double take. What? Breaching security?

Turns out, Vegemite is classified as a 'gel'. Not one, but TWO of my Vegemite containers gets confiscated. I'm in disbelief. Since when did yeast extract become a threat to security? While its harshest critics would maintain dropping it in Iraq which could possibly be considered 'toxic' to the unsuspecting person without a taste for yeast extract, but come on! A case of the legal 'illegal substance'. I get mildly crabby and frustrated at the security guy, then resort to puppy-eyes to elicit sympathy... but those people have no heart. Or at least little sympathy for anyone who likes their Vegemite so much that they would be willing to lug it around the world - a little bit of home away from home.

Turns out, they sell Vegemite in Duty Free. And I don't care if Duty Free is supposed to be exactly that, 'duty FREE', it's bloody expensive! But I am a desperate woman in desperate need of Vegemite (which I need to bring to my friend in Paris) so I fork out the money begrudgingly. This makes me want to start up a conspiracy theory: "New safety regulations prohibiting carrying more than 100ml of liquid/gel/aerosol aboard planes in hand luggage is a really a ploy to make you buy in Duty Free exactly the same item you had to ditch... but for way much more than it's worth". There's some fat cat capitalists making money out of all the perfectly good items we good citizens of the world have had to discard.

I can see it now. At the end of the day, all those security peeps will probably be having parties eating Vegemite sandwiches and dousing themselves in Calvin Klein fragrance that some other poor sod had to give up. It's a conspiracy I tell ya. A conspiracy.

I'm on the plane, stuck in the aisle and it looks like no plane buddies are in sight.

Sigh. But on the bright side of things, there is a gorgeous (and flamboyantly gay) air hostess on the flight who keeps calling everyone 'darling' which keeps me rather entertained. And when he comes around serving Baileys at 7.30am... it's just another excuse to gawk at the man and get mildly boozed up (Baileys at 7.30am in the morning - highly recommended).

And secondly, the Spice Girls just announced their reunion last night. The critics out there: oh, shut up.

* SEVERAL HOURS LATER, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN DUBAI AND LONDON:
Right, I think I really was crotchety yesterday. The non-plane buddies next to me on the first flight turned out to be plane buddy material after all. Turns out the red-head bloke next to me was a rather fun and funny Zimbabwean studying in Perth. My luck - we only get talking... at the end of the first flight... in the aisle as we're about to disembark. It is hard to pick his age, but I'd say 22 though he's a helluva lot more mature than most his age. And he laughs at my jokes. He's ok in my books.

Discoveries:
* I find those palm trees inside the airport
* I discover that they're actually fake (like a knife to the heart - I'm all for keeping up illusions)
* if you ever want to buy cheap Putumayo CDs, do it here! I may not be able to afford a stay in a 6-star hotel in this city, but I can afford 'Sounds of Coffee Lands'!

* SEVERAL HOURS LATER, IN PINNER (JUST OUTSIDE OF LONDON):
I have arrived at London, Pinner to be be precise - a quaint and rather posh neighbourhood about 30 minutes outside of the big smoke. My friend Caroline met me at Victoria Station and I must say, it's damn good to see a familiar face in the crowd.

Current state of mind:
* I don't like customs officers
* I seriously need sleep
* I am staying at Caroline's parent's friend's house in Pinner that is full of character and decidedly lop-sided which is making me experience vertigo (which I suspect is fuelled by my need for serious shut-eye), and you have to literally bend down in some doorways so you don't bang your head
* Thank God for central heating.